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November 2, 2010 / Indie

turning over new leaves

Change your thoughts and you change the world.

Norman Vincent Peale

For the first time in months – even years. I think  my life is finally balanced and stable: I’m losing weight, it’s too early to tell but I think I found a guy, I’m close to finding another job, and my confidence is slowly rising.
I think all these happy events are from me turning over new leaves in my life. I’ve stopped lying as much as I use (now I’m just telling little white lies), I’m mending broken relationships with family, friends, & other people, I stopped having sex with random guys, I’ve become a little more responsible, seriously thinking before I do something, and I began thinking about myself and my future. If I keep on this path, I may possibly find peace and accept my past mistakes as lessons in life.
One of the happy events in my life that I am worried about is me maybe finding a stable guy. He text me every day, wants to spend time with me, accepts that I’m not having sex, and we have mutual feelings for each other. But I am seriously about it because “the boy down the street“, the way he played with my feelings and emotions almost stopped me from pursuing a relationship with him because I thought I was overanalyzing and reading his signals wrong. Right now, the new guy and I aren’t exactly in a “relationship”, we’re taking thing slow and taking baby steps to becoming “boyfriend-girlfriend.”
I’m trying not to get too excited about it because I don’t want to jinx it but deep down I’m having my doubts because what if he doesn’t like that way I look, thinks I’m too big, or a number of things. I’m trying to put it out of my head but it doesn’t work.

I wish I could get rid of my insecurities

 

XXXO

Indie

 

 


September 28, 2010 / Indie

relapse

Rather than viewing a brief relapse back to inactivity as a failure, treat it as a challenge and try to get back on track as soon as possible.

Jimmy Connors

Yesterday, I learned the boy down the street called my cousin trying to hook up with her again. They had a one-time thing before me and him began sleeping together. All of a sudden, all my feelings for him resurfaced and I became angry and jealous, which is unlike me.
Foolishly, I talked my cousin into accepting the offer. Immediately after the phone call, I began to regret it. So I devised a plan with my friend/partner-in-crime, we walked past his house talking about him and other guy. Talking about the situation made me think about how not too long ago, he was calling her bitches, hoes, and saying she was easy. I began to suspect the whole ‘hooking-up’ was either a ruse or a plot to make me jealous. Okay, that whole make me jealous thing might have been a figment of my imagination.
After getting back to my house, my friend and I called him, leaving a voicemail talking about him, my cousin, and the situation. When my friend left, I regretted leaving the voicemail and became angrier, going on a ‘fuck him, he can do what he wants‘ tirade. After I calmed down some, I called my cousin to call it off and like a good person, she did.
Today, I was looking out the window with my dog and talking on the phone with my other friend when I saw him. So to catch his attention, like I did hundreds of other times, I let my dog outside but he just ignored her. Leaving me feeling stupid and my dog looking crazy. After him blowing us off like that, I began another ‘fuck him‘ tirade. My little sister made me even angrier when she kept repeating that I still “liked” him, I hate to admit it but I think she’s right.
I don’t think I’ll truly ever be over him until I meet someone better or get some type of closure. Until that day comes, I just have to try to ween myself off of him one day at a time. So I’m going to start the moving on process over again, starting now.
XXXO
Indie
September 26, 2010 / Indie

lessons learned

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.” John Barrymore

While all of my friends are having sex, I’m at home (or if they’re having sex at my house, another room) watching TV, listening to music, or sleeping. Anything that will take my mind off of sex.
Why am I not participating in the “trend”, because “the boy down the street” and several other guys I’ve had sexually encountered. All they wanted was sex and foolishly I gave it to them., don’t get me wrong I love sex but giving into them wasn’t the best choice because I never got anything but stories to tell my friends, learned some new “tricks”, and received little pleasure from some guys.

The first guy was Goofy, for some reason, he reminded me of Mickey Mouse’s friend. He wasn’t anyone special, I was just so eager to lose my virginity so I had sex with him after knowing him less than 12 hours. Our little fling only lasted a week, it would’ve been a one time thing but me and my mom were fighting a lot then so I was sleeping with him to get my mind off of everything going on. I stopped talking to Goofy but I became really close with his sister and learned some things about him I wish I would’ve known before I had sex with him. Too late to dwell on that mistake.
A while after Goofy, I started talking to another guy Florida, that’s where he is from, what I remember about him is he had a scratchy beard like Rick Ross and was a football player. We had talked for about six months before we had “sex”, if that’s what you would call what we did. He entered me maybe about five times but we had a lot of fun though– play fighting, watching TV, and talking. I still talk to Florida on and off but I will never attempt to have sex again.
The third guy was Tiny, I’ll explain in a minute. I had known him for a long time,  he was ridiculously immature and sex with him was by far, the worse. He had a small penis and every time we did it, he tried to “jack rabbit”, I guess that’s what it’s called when a guy thrusts into you really fast, but he kept slipping out. It’s sad to admit but I continued to have sex with him on and off for a couple months because well, sometimes I needed sex and I knew when I called he would answer. Now, I don’t talk to him even when I need sex, I do NOT call him.
The fourth is BJ, his name is pretty much self-explanatory. He was tall, played football, and was really funny. I was introduced to him through my friend Chestie, my nickname for her, so I didn’t know him very long. The only sex we had was oral, he was the first guy I performed it on. I use to swear up and down I would never do it then something changed my mind; it was weird at first, being on your knees with the male genitalia in your mouth but it went well and kind of fast. After that I didn’t talk to BJ, this was the first time I’ve thought about him in a long time.
Last but not least is the boy down the street , I had known him less than a month before we had sex, he has been the best so far. Since I liked him so much, I did any and everything with him. After not being able to to build a relationship with him and putting up with his excuses, I just let him go.

With all of the issues with the boy down the street , giving into these guys, and not being able to find a good boyfriend because nowadays all they want is sex; I’ve decided to become celibate after going nearly six months without penis.

Im hoping with me abstaining from sex, I will be able to find a good guy without having to give him my body for one night or occasionally. But for now, all I can do is hope about the best for me.

XXXO

Indie






September 24, 2010 / Indie

the boy down the street

Letting go isn’t about giving up. It’s about accepting that there are things that cannot be.”

For the almost a year, I was liking a guy (for legal purposes his name will be “the boy down the street.“) There was nothing special about him; he wasn’t my first kiss, my first boyfriend, or the first guy I’ve had sex with but so far he has been the best. Taking the sex out of equation, I’m left wondering:
Why did I like him?
I think it was because he was so easy to talk to and fun to hang out with. Getting to know him emotionally and physically it made me want something more than a friendship but he didn’t want to pursue a relationship. It always made me second guess myself and wonder what was wrong with me:Was I too heavy? Not pretty enough? Too quiet? Did I smile too much?
I just didn’t get it.
Even though he had “rejected” me, I always kept trying to change his mind. Until one day, my Mom sat me down and told me:

You can’t change a man’s mind or make him love you.”

After that I just said fuck it, I give up –on him, on guys, and sex. Well I shouldn’t say I “give up,” more of letting these things go (guys and sex, just for now).
I’ve said it before but I truly mean it this time, I am over him. He hasn’t done me any good so why waste my time, my breath, and my life on him. Now I’m just going to concentrate on finishing school, stop letting that little “crush” I had on him distract me from my dreams and goals.
When I see you I will be courteous, but don’t expect anything more. So goodbye, deuces, adiós, ciao, adieu, zài jiàn to “the boy down the street.”
XXXO

Indie


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